Sunday, September 29, 2013

Bellas Mafiosas y Crap.

When a narco movie opens with a shitty James Bond styled animation sequence, you'll know right then and there that the entire movie will suck. This is the case for Bellas Mafiosas y Criminales.

In Bellas Mafiosas y Criminales, we got 2 groups of girls: Las Colombianas and Las Tapatias. They're rivals because Las Colombianas' mom was murdered by the drug lord father of Las Tapatias. I think. So, Colombianas is leaded by this really attractive & bitter looking chick who opens her eyes like crazy when she's talking. She just pops em out and gets all mad. I imagine she was doing that because she had to star in this awful movie. Anyway, so Las Colombianas go around shooting traitors, enemies, and relaxing in their pool. Yes, they wear bathing suits. Really nice ones, too. As for Las Tapatias; they do what Las Colombianas do minus the relaxing by the pool part (sucks). Then there's this weird guy with long hair who works with Las Colombianas and their father. He's an asshole to the girls but they somehow tolerate him til they finally realize he's a murdering traitor.

As you can tell, I barely paid attention the movie and I couldn't really make out what was actually going because the movie is just all over the place. One minute we're looking at these hot girls in the pool, then a crap flashback scene cuts in showing the terrible murder of a mother. By 'terrible murder' I mean it was just shot awfully. Terrible acting & all. 

Who exactly were the guys that made this movie? I imagine them being a group of bored men who record Quinceañeras in the Inland Empire area. One the one weekend they weren't videotaping a drunken father dancing with his now 15 year old woman of a daughter, they watched awful narco movies on KRCA-62 to pass the workless time. After the movies, they realized they got the proper equipment to make their own awful narco movie and thus Bellas Mafiosas y Criminales was conceived (ew). Now how did these dudes even get these attractive girls to star in their movie? Well, they either picked them up at some bar and told them they can make stars out of them by appearing in this movie. Or they were dating these girls and these girls brought their friends to star as well. Wild guesses, but I'm probably close enough though. 

Bellas Mafiosas y Criminales is awful. It may have an attractive cast of ladies, but they're acting is so painfully awful. The music is awful as well. Its all cheap and boring sounding. The dialogue is of course painful too. It's all cheesy and attempting to sound badass, but obviously it doesn't come out badass at all.

Fuck this movie. I think I'll throw away the DVD. That's what I did with that piece of crap called Frontera De Mexicali. 1/10.