Wednesday, December 25, 2019

A face on a lover with a fire in his heart.

Last Christmas I gave my heart to a girl that had a boyfriend. It didn’t matter to me that she belonged to someone else because we had fun in this affair we’ve had going, but then she ended up giving my heart away to him (after all) and that really fucking sucked. This year, to save me from crying like a little wuss, I decided to give my heart to someone special, then this someone special turned into 2 special someone’s since another girl came along. Yet again, I wasn’t alone this holiday season and to make my holiday even sweeter, I was blessed earlier this year with a Blu-Ray copy of Rene Cardona’s Santa Claus via the right holders. I finally watched it with special someone #2 and it really surprised the fuck out of me. I don’t think special someone #2 even paid attention to the movie, but that’s okay. I just wanted company from someone else’s girlfriend yet again. Wham! would be proud.

 In a floating castle in the North Pole, Santa Claus (Jose Elias Moreno) prepares for Christmas. He gathers up some children from the world and they all sing a song from their country. Santa also reads letters from kids and separates the ones from the good kids and the bad kids. He also has a special spot for kids asking for siblings. This year (1959), the devil sends one of minions to ruin Christmas by causing mischief to a couple of kids in Mexico and even sets up quirky traps for the jolly fat man in red. Santa of course isn’t gonna let anyone or anything get in the way of him giving all the kids in the world what they’ve asked for Christmas!

 It has been called one of the worst movies ever made by a dumb TV show and butchered up by K. Gordon Murray and often (and confusingly) given credit as the maker of the movie. The movie has been widely-criticized for sure, but when you watch Rene Cardona’s Santa Claus and really give it a chance, you will see that it’s actually not a bad movie at all. Santa Claus is a children’s fantasy movie with aesthetically appealing special effects & sounds. Obviously not realtisic looking or trying to be so serious; but that’s the whole point of it at all. It is a fantasy children’s movie about Santa Claus & the overall Christmas holiday. Why criticize this movie so badly when other older Christmas movies are just like this?

 As I mentioned beforehand, the movie has some very aesthetically appealing special effects & sounds. Santa Claus’ castle looks so fun to be inside since it’s so big, colorful & full of various crazy, wacky looking gadgets. The giant mechanical eyeball the sees all is a popular one and it’s definitely eye appealing for sure (stupid pun intended). The eyeball is also attached to a speaker of sorts and all sound comes through a giant pair of rubber lips. Amazing, huh? My favorite scene of the movie is when the little Mexican girl Lupita is having a twisted dream about what she really wants for Christmas: A doll. Lupita is in the center of a giant room where living dolls appear around her and dance. It’s a little creepy scene honestly, but so cool at the same time. Now the most memorable part of the movie is of course the devil’s minion. What is considered a bad costume isn’t very bad at all. It’s wacky looking for sure, but you have to admire the work put into this devil costume. It is an all red outfit and face painted red with plastic horns & large ears added. A great wacky costume for sure. A bit creepy too, but that’s the point as well.

My only criticism of the movie is how uneven it is. The movie seems to want to mainly focus on a couple of kids in dire need of something they need in their life, but the movie seems to forget them at times and focuses on Santa preparing for the holiday. Once we focus on the kids again, we have to remember why they matter so much to begin with, but do we want to care & remember though? Up to you. Me personally, I didn’t give a fudge. I just wanted to see more of Santa Claus in Christmas action.

 Rene Cardona & Guillermo Calderon made a colorful/wacky fantasy Christmas movie that will forever be treasured by cult film enthusiasts. While to some it’s a shit for brains movie, for me and others it’s just another weird old movie that’s visually appealing and a must watch during the holiday season. Give it a chance. Bring the kids, too. Don’t listen to talking robots or a blowhard with a podcast saying Santa Claus is shit, because it’s really not. It is an eye-catching movie for sure. A must see to believe.

Thursday, December 5, 2019

Ahi Viene El Chupacabras! 6 movies about a fake as hell/blood-sucking/perverted monster from the mid-90’s.

Puerto Rico, March of 1995: The Chupacabras was born. Or first seen that is. It seems several sheep’s were drained of their blood and goats especially. It seems this creature (or creatures) thirst for blood was high in those days since many sightings & reports of farm animal killings appeared in Puerto Rico and then the rest of Latin America. From there, myths were told of people being attacked by the chupacabras, so now it seems this thing is out there killing anything in its sight and drinking their blood. The Chupacabra became a household name amongst Latinos and I remember this so fondly as a child. I remember seeing many chupacabra merchandise in all the swap meets and remember the Spanish news talking about this bloodsucker often as if it were real. Even Unsolved Mysteries filmed a cheesy segment with a rubber suit and interviewed Puerto Rican citizens who really tried hard to be convincing that this thing was real. Us latinos are superstitious as hell and really want to believe in weird shit that’s clearly gonna be fucking fake, but you never know... I guess.

 With all this talk of Chupacabras everywhere and seeing its image sold on goods; did anyone ever make actually make a movie about the Chupacabra? It seems there are plenty of movies about this bizarre creature made by US filmmakers, but nothing majorly done and most have very low ratings on IMDb. Did anyone in Latin America make a Chupacabra movie? Oh yeah, for sure. In Mexico there are 5 in existence to my knowledge and the 6th technically filmed in the US, was made by a Mexican filmmaker. These 6 movies are equally ridiculous & weird, maybe even considered bad to some. However, they are all equally entertaining in their own way since they all tell a different tale of the chupacabra myth.

 El Chupacabras (1996) 
Federal agents, a cop and a reporter are in search for cryptids in various parts of the Americas. They eventually group together in Mexico to find the chupacabra that has been lurking all over sucking goat’s blood & even humans!! Eventually, we find out there’s something much more to this blood-sucking creature! Gilberto De Anda’s El Chupacabras is without a doubt the most well-known chupacabra movie from Mexico. It is a sort of cult classic and definitely the easiest to acquire since there’s plentiful of DVD copies for sale online. While it’s not exactly what I expected it to be, it is still a fun movie to watch. Not to mention the movie has a cool cast and some cool cheesy as fuck special effects. Jorge Reynoso of course is a badass in the movie and Lina Santos gorgeous as hell even playing a reporter.

 Ahi Viene El Chupacabras (1996) 
Alfonso Zayas plays a creature from another world who lands on earth. He thirsts for goat blood (of course), but has no luck finding more of it since he leaves the farm areas and ends up in the big city. He then becomes acquainted with a drunken bum (Cesar Bono) and ends up drinking human blood via a nun. Wonderful. Nobody asked for an Alfonso Zayas movie where he plays a chupacabra, but director/writer Jorge Araujo came up with the perfect idea for that and while it didn’t actually become a huge sensation or anything, it’s still a very intriguing movie with a combination of the famous sex comedy actor & notorious chupacabra myth. I was also fond of Cesar Bono’s drunken character. He was probably really drunk in the movie.

Ataca El Chupacabra (1996) 
A town drunk is bitten by an escaped extraterrestrial that has landed on Earth and becomes a blood sucking maniac at night. He’s also fucking his female victims as well. 2 high-up martians come to Mexico in search of the escaped extraterrestrial and to blend in; they disguise as charros in the styles of Jorge Negrete & Pedro Infante. Seriously. I really enjoy Ataca El Chupacabras very much since it feels so simple and the sci-fi element to it is really corny but oh so fun. The opening scene with the cheesy spaceship and cheap costumes is so grand. A must watch.

 El Cuerno, El Ancho y El Sancho (1996) 
 I consider El Cuerno, El Ancho y El Sancho one of my rarest 90’s comedies in my collection and perhaps even one of my rarest Rene Cardona III movies since it’s virtually unknown & seems to be not listed anywhere and there’s no alternative title as well. The movie just seems to be buried very deeply into the ground, but my greedy hands had come across a copy by chance. This movie is all about a chupacabra & camotes. Well, sorta. In El Cuerno, El Ancho y El Sancho: a young dude makes ends meet by selling camotes in his small providence town and has zero luck getting with the ladies and is too broke to afford the hookers of the town. He then comes up with an idea to getting laid by dressing up as the infamous chupacabra to assault the women of the town. He succeeds doing this and while it’s morally wrong at what he’s doing; it seems the ladies are enjoying this “creature” ravaging them since they’re bored of the same ol’ dudes in town. No nudity is shown in this movie sadly even though it’s technically a sex comedy, but at least it features a really neat & cheap chupacabra costume. Some of the scenes shot at night with the chupacabra prowling makes me wonder if the movie was originally intended to be a horror movie of sorts, especially with the costume looking kinda creepy & all. Whatever the case, the movie features a cast of well-known comedian actors and La Chupitos first ever movie appearance. A peculiar movie for sure, but worth a look if found.

 Jorge Gomez’s El Final Del Chupacabras (199?)
 Jorge Gomez is one of the most interesting Mexican filmmakers ever. He’s based in East LA and has shot dozens & dozens of movies on tape during the mid 80’s to early 2000’s then later on with digital cameras. Around the late 90’s, Jorge Gomez had decided to cash in on the chupacabra fad by filming a movie called “El Final Del Chupacabras” and features his usual set of actors & settings around East LA. Jorge Gomez plays a cop assigned to investigate this so-called chupacabra that’s been seen all over town. Afterwards, Jorge deals with various narcos, cholos and his young niece involved with drugs. The chupacabra appears a couple times wandering around and steals money from a narco deal gone awry. It seems that a narco will run from this blood-thirsty creature rather than shoot it. And once again, this movie features a very cheap costume. Maybe from K-Mart?

 Many thanks to Jorge Gomez for fulfilling my request on uploading the movie on YouTube.

Please like & subscribe to his channel!

 Vuelve El Chupacabras: El Monaguillo Vs. El Chupacabras (1997)
  Out of these 6 chupacabra movies, Vuelve El Chupacabras is my favorite since it’s so out of the ordinary, ridiculous, stupid, cheap and so fucking fun. It’s a mindless movie for sure, but you will have lots of fun watching it! You also could not hate on that cheap costume & mask(s)! The plot is simple: A chupacabra has landed in Mexico from his planet “Chupelandia” and comes across various humans doing whatever humans do; such as make out, a certain President from that time involved in a shady deal, drinking booze, etc. I also have to note that this chupacabra is just a horny bastard and assaults women in their homes. To make the movie even more weird, the chupacabra goes head to head with a bootleg Teto: El Monaguillo played by Condorito. The El Monaguillo in this movie also converts to a superhero called “Super Condor” aka Soy Cabron. Incredible, right? Fuck Yes. The movie also ends with the chupacabra dancing around in a nightclub with scantily-clad ladies in colored wigs also dancing around.

 These 6 movie are insane for sure. I hope you will watch them and appreciate them for what they are. Still not convinced? Check out my video reel/mix I put together of the 6 movies along with some clips I found online. After you watch this, you will live & breath chupacabra weirdness like it’s the mid-90's. Enjoy!